Heaven

In silence I hold on, to you and I..

(Within Temptation - Fire and Ice)

The heart of everything

Last night while spending some free time on facebook I saw one of my portuguese friends to publish something that shocked me:

Cardinal Peter Turkson, Possible Pope Successor, Has Defended Legislation Like Uganda's 'Kill The Gays" Bill.

(Source: Huffpost Gay Voices)

Seems like it wasn't enough to see Pope Benedict XVI leave his 'kingdom' but now things seem to go worse.  I seriously can't believe that people chosen by God can preach against us, against love, against human beings that do not offend anyone by holding hands or kissing each other - And most of us don't show love in public -. Do they know that it's not a choice we make? Do they know that if we could have chosen to be straight, we wouldn't be gay any longer? I mean, who in this fucked up world would choose to be pointed all the time by just who you are in love with? Moreover, to be hidden, not to show yourself the way you are in the deep inside because you are afraid of the non-acceptance of "society". How can this be possible that love is condemned? 

Not to mention the amount of people that have commited suicide for being that way and that never found the support they needed, because their brain-washed parents can't accept it, mostly because it's a sin. 'Our preacher said that according to the bible'.  - Lately parents regret for their stupidity for not paying attention to their children -

I respond with a: 

Can you think by yourself? Can't you follow your common sense? Haven't you seen what they've done throughtout the history, the evil they've commited against innocent people? Do you also know they are the richest institution of the whole world and they could end up with the African starving and the world-wide poverty? Not to mention the rapes and violations they've done to lots of children that, sadly for them, are known facts nowadays.
Perhaps todays' people have no idea about The September Pope. Albino Lucini reigned as Pope of the Catholic Church and as Sovereign of Vatican City from 26 August 1978 until his death 33 days later. His reign is among the shortest in papal history. There are several contradictions about his death but one thing is clear, he wanted to clarify the church's money issues.

AREN'T THOSE THINGS WHAT THEY PREACH AGAINST? THEY SAY WE NEED TO GIVE A HELPING HAND TO OUR FELLOWS, BUT THEY CAN'T, THEY DON'T AND THEY WON'T EITHER.    

The weakening and enfeeblement of this institution is clear.

Who is free of sin cast the first stone.

The heart of everything is the way we are raised, the way things were taught. the religion and the brain-washing to be mean. Open up your eyes.

Birthday wishlist

I'm not sure if that has ever happened to you but when it comes to say what you want for your birthday as presents I can't ever think of something too clear. I think I already have everything I ever wanted, and to ask for more material things would be such an unnecesary waste of money.


A catnap in the ghost-town of my heart:
I could ask for a couple of tickets to The States to live that day with my boyfriend but I'm aware I can't ask for such a thing. I could insist to my parents for a new mobile but I don't need it that much. I could ask for clothes or shallow things but I don't need them. I could ask for things to be the way they once were in the past but I wouldn't be enjoying these days, the happiness I have deep inside for being such a lucky person. I am aware of the importance of my family, my friends and my boyfriend. Past experiences made me who I am ...
Well, if there is ever a thing I could wish to last forever is to keep my loved ones close until my dying day.

It is still hard to remember those days when Mom was notified with a cancer and I couldn't even imagine my life without her. She thinks I'm strong enough to face it, though. But I am not. Since then I started to see things from a different way. Have you realized how delicate we all are? How close we are to death? It comes just to stop breathing for a couple of seconds, or crash your car against another, to fall off from a bridge, or even to choke with a tiny but not well-bitten piece of meat to cease living.

I want to live, I want to accomplish my dreams, I want to love and to be loved, I want to breathe the smell of fresh grass under my bare feet, I want to hear the birds singing in the morning, I want to see the clouds and to imagine different figures with them, I want to see the full moon in the darkened sky. I want to see the sun rise in his eyes as I once did, I want our hands to hold each other, I want to feel your warm embrace, a beautiful kiss, but above all, I want to be aware of what I have...

I want everything I have.


(And I'd still give my everything to love you more.)

Darkness

'Been spending so much time underground

I guess my eyes adjusted

To the lack of light

I got

Covered in darkness

Covered in darkness'.

It is twenty past six in the morning and I can't sleep anymore. Insomnia has taken over me once again and I couldn't think of another topic to write about but darkness. My bedroom's window is open and I can feel the coldness and darkness from the outside touching my hands, the cold breeze in my face, and that's certainly one of my favorite feelings.

'I have been waiting

Always waiting for something new

Happiness has always ended

In the blink of an eye

There was no one attending

No one attending'.

Even if Darren says that it doesn't really matter where it all began, I think it does matter. Some of the pillars for me, the ones that were always supporting me when failing disappeared. They simply left. The first one of them was a friend of mine since I was eleven. We spent every single second together when we were at school and highschool, laughed at the same dumby things and I don't really know what happened to her that she left their friends behind. The second one was also a close friend of mine who turned to be my girlfriend - worst decission ever - and since we hurt each other, nothing was ever the same, so she is no longer close to me. The third person that left was probably the most shocking one, my brother. He left after lots of dramas he and his girlfriend had with my family. I never supported him with these dramas. He was never right. And his last words will always remain in my mind. It's not like we were good brothers - because he always treated me as he shouldn't have. Calling me fag when just being 6 or 7 was probably wrong - But now that I'm 20 I don't really need him anymore. I learnt to cherish the ones that are with me, even if I'm not a good friend, or at least I don't consider myself as such a thing. The fourth one was another friend of mine. She once was there for me but her couple was always afraid of her to fall in love with me, even if 'I am different'. So she finally decided to run away in order to not have more problems. I guess she wasn't a true friend after all. Nor none of them really worth it, sadly.

'It doesn't really matter where it all began

All I know

I got covered in darkness

Covered in darkness.

Ever wonder why I never really truly connect

Although my eyes are open

I can hold your gaze

But I am never connected

Never connected'

So, since I started watching how the important people weren't there for me anymore - and some others moved away - I started to feel alone, even if I felt the support of my best friend but I really didn't want her to carry with my own mental problems. The wars inside my mind for my self-acceptance were stronger and I didn't want anyone by my side, to be honest. I was always longing to be alone, I was always looking for that safety I had found in my loneliness where I had none but myself. I didn't feel comfortable surrounded by people anymore.

'I am famous for my generosity

They say I am the kindest

But it is easier to

Give than receive love

Give than receive love'.

I don't even know how I manage to go on with it all. It wasn't just my loneliness but new problems appeared: My mom was certified with a pre-cancer and my father wasn't working anymore, so he was home all day long with depression. We all faced my brother's departure in silence, and there were those days where mom lost control and started to cry hardly. I was the only one to support her because my father never really found the right words and my little brother was just a child. So I carried it all with me, all of their pain and it had started to sink me. Darkness was there to sing me a song to forget the shitty reality. I never cut myself, I'm not that brave but my thoughts were always telling me the reason of my existence, and there wasn't any reason to be alive anymore.

'Turning pages over

Run away to nowhere

And it's hard to take control

When your enemy's old and afraid of you

You'll discover that the monster you were running from

Is the monster in you'.

All I can say is that things went better after the worst year of my whole life. I got awards for my Uni's good marks, mom's cancer was operated, and my father changed since mom got ill. My brother never came back nor my friends did and my self struggle was still on, but as some go away some others come in. Two new people came into my life, two good friends that I'm deeply in love with and he finally appeared, the one that without knowing helped me to get the strenght I needed to overcome.

'Better to hold on to love

Better to hold on to love

Change will come'.

Darren Hayes - Darkness

All is full of love

What is love? What is love is actually the most searched phrase on google, but do all people know what is it to love? Scientists will say it's a chemical reaction making us release lots of hormones around our body. Psychologists will say it's a human necessity, that it's more than just a powerful feeling 'cause it makes us do things we never thought we could do. And the church will say it's God's bestest blessing.

But when someone asks you, what is love? I'm sure it'd take us at least a few seconds to create a good answer for such a wide and holistic feeling.
There isn't a stronger feeling than love. Not even hate for those who have been tough/mean to us.
Love is protection, understanding, kindness, our fuoil to do unexpected things, to devote ourselves completely to someone. It is a passionate commitment that we nurture to develop, that makes us give our bestest to the ones we love.  



Here in Chile the weather is a bitch, it's about 27°C and I'm drinking a mango's juice, listening to 'All is full of love' by Björk while writing these words. I've come this time to complain about how unfair the -almost- whole society is. I've already given a few words about the theories concerning of what love is in the previous paragraph - in the simplest words I could since they are way more complicated to explain - and I can't stop thinking of how "bad" is gay love for most of people around the world. Have you even heard about the Uganda's law? A pity, seriously.

I must say that I am in love with a man and it's not much different from a relationship with a woman. I had girlfriends when-I-tried-to-be-what-I am-not and everything turned out really bad. I mean REALLY BAD. So, do parents of these girls - politicians - really prefer to let their girls marry gay men that aren't in love with them and to end up in a divorce, rather than allowing men marry men? I mean, it's not even their decission, it's not that we are slaying society's core nor nothing like that. We simply do not fall in love with women and I'm sure we come to the Earth to be happy, to enjoy life's joy, so why are we denied to marry who we want to be with the rest of our lives? If that's their fear, for men to start acting like women, or wearing wigs and walk on high heels, most of us wouldn't do that. I mean, men fall in love with men, not with men-like-women, right? And if there are some guys that like to do those things it's their lives! We all are different, and in the diversity is where we can find the richest things. Just look around, would you like all of us to be the same? I think I've said that like 2 times before but even if I tried to love women I couldn't and trust me, I tried it so hard. No one even noticed how it hurt to hurt those beautiful girls.

I want to marry my man, not who the society wants me to marry.

  

Us against the world

It's about nine pm and I've been thinking of what to write about for hours...

Well, as I said in my first&last publication I've already struggled with the coming out to my parents. Just because they always knew I was different it didn't make it easier to digest. And it's still a hard thing to go through for my father, but I try to talk to him about that as often as I can, to make him assimilate it.

I remember that when my Mom found out some "weird" convos with a lesbian friend of mine she stayed in silence for about a year until she told me she read that. Nah, I don't like that guy, it's like I admire him, that's all - I replied - and I didn't even believe it myself so it probably didn't convince her either. So Mom decided to take me to a Psychologist - who made me feel even worse about all the situation - and a Doctor to check my endocrinal system (hormones and staff) but my testosterones levels were good.

It's not a disease, it's not a choice, it's not something that came to me after I woke up a single morning. It is something I've always been with, since my conception and I can't be healed, even if I wanted to. 

Those were tough days and I felt so miserable since my Mom fell into a depression caused by many reasons, but mainly because of me and my homosexuality. Can you even imagine how powerless and impotent I felt for not being able to manage the situation nor my feelings, thoughts and sensations?


Even worse when it's about homophobes, how do you explain it all to them? I always try to convince people by just saying: Do you really think I'm that asshole to choose to be forsaken and rejected by just loving a guy? If I could have chosen something different, I would have, but it's not a decision I made. Some other guys prefer to say: It's not your business unless I'm fucking you. Sadly, none of those answers persuade people of the way they were raised, the brain-washing has gone too far in people born in the 50's and 60's and they are not going to change their minds.

But the reason why I write these paragraphs is because my boyfriend hasn't come out to his family and this is my way to show him my support. Even worse because, according to his words, his family is completely homophobic. What will they react like when they finally get to know the truth? I'm sure I will be able to help him with this terribly awkward situation. And in the worst case we can still run away, can't we?
He is just too sensitive and I don't even want to imagine how it'll hurt him, but it's something that must be known soon or late. I have my strenght, my ability to calm him down with a 'sh-sh-sh' sound, my knowledge about the many ways of reactions people can have, and above all my big and transparent love and support. If you are reading these words know that we are standing tall. I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall 'cause it's us against the world. 




True Love always triumphs and we are not going to break 'cause we both still believe, we know what we've got and we've got what we need so we are probably doing something right. To be invincible is the key, love.


Kocham cie.

Personal me.

Well, I guess I'm becoming a new blogger just for my necessity of communication. It's not my first time as a blogger, nop, I once was a blogger when I was 12 for a school project but that blog's name was so lame that I feel ashamed of sharing it nowadays. I don't even know if it works to be honest, but still.
I was trying to get inspired by some Within Temptation's songs to start my new entrance in this different world of words. Yup, as this blog is called "Why does it rain down on Utopia?" is actually the lyrics of a song I'm not a really fan of, but from my favourite metal-rock band. But I couldn't find any Within Temptation song to fit my mood. I'm actually listening to the Queen of hipsters, Lana del Rey. I don't even consider myself as such a thing but I enjoy the same things they do.

I'm tired of feel like I'm fucking crazy, I'm tired of driving until I see stars in my eyes. I look up to hear myself say baby too much I strive, I just ride. That's probably the reason why I'm writing this shit. My necessity of self-release and self-acceptance for being a gay man. And I rather prefer to write these words in english (since spanish is my native language) because the people that I want to read it, are mostly people that can understand english (I'm sorry for those who can't, but if you are really interested you should look for a good translator, such as google translator haha, just kidding!). I didn't come out to my parents. I think they always knew I was gay, since I was a child, but once you've grown up you have to face the reality of your "condition". I remember I was 15 when I first fell in love with a guy and I lost my head. But as a teen I didn't know how to manage things and my parents realized about the fact that his "perfect boy" was gay. And will always be. I tried to be straight, I really did, but things didn't work out as expected since I'm still gay.

Today's morning I drove mom to her work and she remembered that she had a schoolmate that helped her in exams when she was a child, and she said he was always a perfect man, as much in the inside and the outside and she related him to me. "He is gay and he got married" - said Mom - Probably to give me some hope that I will ever get married by my man. But the definition of perfection is so different, it depends of the person's mind. According to Mom, he was perfect because he had good marks, he was kind, helpful and handsome in the outside. I guess she says so because I have good marks, too,  and I'm sort of kind with people, sometimes I'm helpful and "handsome" in some people's eyes. I think they feel I'm handsome because I'm kind and it makes them look at me in a different way, beyond my imperfections, but no. I'm far from being a handsome man. I even talked about that with my boyfriend last night. He asked me why I wear eye-contacts. But I feel he didn't understand me completely. I wear them because I feel ugly and I feel they  make me look a little less-ugly. I didn't want to say that to him because I felt ashamed. And I will feel ashamed since I'm 100% sure he will read it. But now you know the reason, love.



I've never tried to be a perfect person to be honest, and I know I will never be. I just try to be good to the ones that are good to me. And as a good saying tells: "You only need in your life those that in their lives need you". Some people have left after knowing my homosexuality, but even if my heart has turned to stone I still carry with me the most important ones.

Do you feel this text as a storm of ideas, too? I still don't know how to drive my thoughts properly, but as time goes on I know I will get the right words to say them and to express myself correctly.



Welcome to my world.
R.-