Personal me.

Well, I guess I'm becoming a new blogger just for my necessity of communication. It's not my first time as a blogger, nop, I once was a blogger when I was 12 for a school project but that blog's name was so lame that I feel ashamed of sharing it nowadays. I don't even know if it works to be honest, but still.
I was trying to get inspired by some Within Temptation's songs to start my new entrance in this different world of words. Yup, as this blog is called "Why does it rain down on Utopia?" is actually the lyrics of a song I'm not a really fan of, but from my favourite metal-rock band. But I couldn't find any Within Temptation song to fit my mood. I'm actually listening to the Queen of hipsters, Lana del Rey. I don't even consider myself as such a thing but I enjoy the same things they do.

I'm tired of feel like I'm fucking crazy, I'm tired of driving until I see stars in my eyes. I look up to hear myself say baby too much I strive, I just ride. That's probably the reason why I'm writing this shit. My necessity of self-release and self-acceptance for being a gay man. And I rather prefer to write these words in english (since spanish is my native language) because the people that I want to read it, are mostly people that can understand english (I'm sorry for those who can't, but if you are really interested you should look for a good translator, such as google translator haha, just kidding!). I didn't come out to my parents. I think they always knew I was gay, since I was a child, but once you've grown up you have to face the reality of your "condition". I remember I was 15 when I first fell in love with a guy and I lost my head. But as a teen I didn't know how to manage things and my parents realized about the fact that his "perfect boy" was gay. And will always be. I tried to be straight, I really did, but things didn't work out as expected since I'm still gay.

Today's morning I drove mom to her work and she remembered that she had a schoolmate that helped her in exams when she was a child, and she said he was always a perfect man, as much in the inside and the outside and she related him to me. "He is gay and he got married" - said Mom - Probably to give me some hope that I will ever get married by my man. But the definition of perfection is so different, it depends of the person's mind. According to Mom, he was perfect because he had good marks, he was kind, helpful and handsome in the outside. I guess she says so because I have good marks, too,  and I'm sort of kind with people, sometimes I'm helpful and "handsome" in some people's eyes. I think they feel I'm handsome because I'm kind and it makes them look at me in a different way, beyond my imperfections, but no. I'm far from being a handsome man. I even talked about that with my boyfriend last night. He asked me why I wear eye-contacts. But I feel he didn't understand me completely. I wear them because I feel ugly and I feel they  make me look a little less-ugly. I didn't want to say that to him because I felt ashamed. And I will feel ashamed since I'm 100% sure he will read it. But now you know the reason, love.



I've never tried to be a perfect person to be honest, and I know I will never be. I just try to be good to the ones that are good to me. And as a good saying tells: "You only need in your life those that in their lives need you". Some people have left after knowing my homosexuality, but even if my heart has turned to stone I still carry with me the most important ones.

Do you feel this text as a storm of ideas, too? I still don't know how to drive my thoughts properly, but as time goes on I know I will get the right words to say them and to express myself correctly.



Welcome to my world.
R.-