Darkness

'Been spending so much time underground

I guess my eyes adjusted

To the lack of light

I got

Covered in darkness

Covered in darkness'.

It is twenty past six in the morning and I can't sleep anymore. Insomnia has taken over me once again and I couldn't think of another topic to write about but darkness. My bedroom's window is open and I can feel the coldness and darkness from the outside touching my hands, the cold breeze in my face, and that's certainly one of my favorite feelings.

'I have been waiting

Always waiting for something new

Happiness has always ended

In the blink of an eye

There was no one attending

No one attending'.

Even if Darren says that it doesn't really matter where it all began, I think it does matter. Some of the pillars for me, the ones that were always supporting me when failing disappeared. They simply left. The first one of them was a friend of mine since I was eleven. We spent every single second together when we were at school and highschool, laughed at the same dumby things and I don't really know what happened to her that she left their friends behind. The second one was also a close friend of mine who turned to be my girlfriend - worst decission ever - and since we hurt each other, nothing was ever the same, so she is no longer close to me. The third person that left was probably the most shocking one, my brother. He left after lots of dramas he and his girlfriend had with my family. I never supported him with these dramas. He was never right. And his last words will always remain in my mind. It's not like we were good brothers - because he always treated me as he shouldn't have. Calling me fag when just being 6 or 7 was probably wrong - But now that I'm 20 I don't really need him anymore. I learnt to cherish the ones that are with me, even if I'm not a good friend, or at least I don't consider myself as such a thing. The fourth one was another friend of mine. She once was there for me but her couple was always afraid of her to fall in love with me, even if 'I am different'. So she finally decided to run away in order to not have more problems. I guess she wasn't a true friend after all. Nor none of them really worth it, sadly.

'It doesn't really matter where it all began

All I know

I got covered in darkness

Covered in darkness.

Ever wonder why I never really truly connect

Although my eyes are open

I can hold your gaze

But I am never connected

Never connected'

So, since I started watching how the important people weren't there for me anymore - and some others moved away - I started to feel alone, even if I felt the support of my best friend but I really didn't want her to carry with my own mental problems. The wars inside my mind for my self-acceptance were stronger and I didn't want anyone by my side, to be honest. I was always longing to be alone, I was always looking for that safety I had found in my loneliness where I had none but myself. I didn't feel comfortable surrounded by people anymore.

'I am famous for my generosity

They say I am the kindest

But it is easier to

Give than receive love

Give than receive love'.

I don't even know how I manage to go on with it all. It wasn't just my loneliness but new problems appeared: My mom was certified with a pre-cancer and my father wasn't working anymore, so he was home all day long with depression. We all faced my brother's departure in silence, and there were those days where mom lost control and started to cry hardly. I was the only one to support her because my father never really found the right words and my little brother was just a child. So I carried it all with me, all of their pain and it had started to sink me. Darkness was there to sing me a song to forget the shitty reality. I never cut myself, I'm not that brave but my thoughts were always telling me the reason of my existence, and there wasn't any reason to be alive anymore.

'Turning pages over

Run away to nowhere

And it's hard to take control

When your enemy's old and afraid of you

You'll discover that the monster you were running from

Is the monster in you'.

All I can say is that things went better after the worst year of my whole life. I got awards for my Uni's good marks, mom's cancer was operated, and my father changed since mom got ill. My brother never came back nor my friends did and my self struggle was still on, but as some go away some others come in. Two new people came into my life, two good friends that I'm deeply in love with and he finally appeared, the one that without knowing helped me to get the strenght I needed to overcome.

'Better to hold on to love

Better to hold on to love

Change will come'.

Darren Hayes - Darkness